If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
