dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Randomize
