i love accidental penises.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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