So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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