I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Randomize
