Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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