Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
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