Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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