people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
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