what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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