Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
