I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Randomize
