i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
