He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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