My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
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