I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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