my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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