Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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