who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
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