What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
