I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
