Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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