Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
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