Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
