tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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