I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
