Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I still have a little drunk in my system
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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