I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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