Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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