if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
