I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
