I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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