remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
