I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Randomize
