a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
