I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I wish there were birth control emojis
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
