i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
