I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
what day is it and did you see me today?
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
