I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Randomize
