i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
