We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
