It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
So much rum. So many feels.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Randomize
