If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
