Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
