Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
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