Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
