Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Randomize
