You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Randomize
