I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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