So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
this is an emotional support booty call
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
