when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
